World Records and getting hit in the face with a fish

COVID - WE DIDN'T DIE YET

 I KNOW I KNOW...I told you all back in March at the beginning of the pandemic I would blog every day. You probably were worried sick that we had succumbed to the pandemic. While we did have several bouts with viruses that acted a lot like COVID and were not fun at all, no one in the family has tested positive yet. Knock wood!

Apparently, having all kinds of time on your hands takes a lot of time so I am here to tell you some of the things that happened over the last several months.

As you know I work at a school with special needs kids and we went "virtual". Back in March no one knew what that meant. For my classroom we had to learn how to navigate Google Classroom, zoom, make YouTube videos and look up and "share to our drives" MANY online activities for our students. 

At the time, we had no idea what any of that was and it was very time consuming to learn all of these skills and practice them daily so we could easily use them while students were in "class" without looking like a bunch of bumbleheads. 😄😄😄

Since  March we have learned how to share screens on a zoom, mute people (a very important skill), make virtual backgrounds and pretty much do every part of our job on a computer. No small fete for us oldsters who barely knew how to turn a computer on at the beginning. 

I must admit there has been a LOT of resistence at learning new things but we managed and now won't get alzheimers until much later in life because of it.

😒😂 Talk later, have a blessed and simple day.

Telling time - O'Clock and Thirty

A fun video from my YouTube Channel Teena D

Camping with special needs children - DITL

Working with special needs kids has given me such a wonderful appreciation 

for parents and families and how wonderfully creative they are with life skills.

Check out this video of a family camping.

Tammy Faye's hair and makeup was the clue!!

Here is a soul check for you...if you have given money to and worshipped with Jim Baker, the Evangelical preacher who served time in prison for duping his parishioners, he is out of jail and pedaling a cure for the Corona virus. You may remember his crazy wife with all the makeup and big hair,  Tammy Faye, even if you don't remember him. THAT is a sight that is hard to  wash out of your brain.
This cure is about silver and how it's supposed to cure an incurable disease. The government has served a cease and desist order on him. But there are others doing the same. So be careful.
The reality check is all about doing your own research and thinking. Back in the day people gave him their whole paycheck sometimes. How does this happen? Because we want someone else to think for us because it's easier. We WANT to believe because then if they are wrong we can blame them.

Take responsibility for yourself. Take responsibility for your thoughts and money and actions. If you're wrong and you did research at least you can live with yourself because you tried to find the truth.
Jim Baker, silver cures for a pandemic....use your brain! If it sounds too good to be true it is!!

The stock market is nuts

Stock market pause kicked in again. The pause is a stopgap that keeps the market from crashing. S&P 500 is down 10 percent. A loss of 10 percent, if it closes there at the end of the day, is the lowest since 1929. The great depression.
In case this sounds like mud to you:
S&P and the Dow are averages of stocks and other investments that pay interest to your retirement funds and other things. So, if you're a teacher and are expecting a certain amount every month when you retire, you get that money because your state takes all the money we give them and invests in various things, the stock market being one of them. The more diverse their portfolio the safer your retirement is. So if they invest your money in real estate and futures (like how much will corn cost a manufacturer next year), and the stock market...that is an example of a diverse portfolio (group of investments). When the brokers on wall street sell stock all at once because they think others will be selling that stock the price of the stock goes down. It's crazy I know but that's how it works. Who can sell before the next guy and lose the least. So that is the stock market in a nutshell cuz it's nuts!

COVID19 Journal...bend over and kiss your ass goodbye because there is no toilet paper

March 15, 2020

I am not sure how many of you know I blog, but it is basically a place to store my writing...LOL

But I will be journaling here for awhile because of the Covid19 pandemic. I believe it is important to chronicle what goes on in situations like this. 

One of the big issues right now 3 days after President Trump declaring a National Emergency is that the folks who have not been believing or paying attention are going to stores and there are no supplies, especially toilet paper. This cracks me up because you can wipe your ass with just about anything so I don't understand why this is an issue, but it is. People on Facebook are calling those who stocked up "hoarders" and "selfish" but in my opinion they are smart, realistic and prepared. 

Schools have closed for at least two weeks so we can self quarantine. It is unbelievable to me, but some parents are taking this as a time to go on vacation with their kids. That is selfish and borders on child abuse. Imagine all of the people they could be infecting. It's crazy. A friend of mine drove to Colorado to ski and when she got there found out the slopes are closed! Imagine THAT!!

My husband and I are at high risk and are lucky enough to have enough money to purchase things we need to stock up on. I cannot imagine the poor people who don't have credit cards or savings to use to get supplies before we are on lockdown. It breaks my heart. 

Pete and I grew up in the cold war with doom and gloom hanging over our heads every day, including nuclear war drills in school, so we are always kind of prepared for the worst at all times. We have the tools you need to make bread. We live near a mountain where we could get deer meat if we had to. My daughter lives down the road and has chickens so we have eggs out the ole wazoo!

We have an alternative heat source and know where springs are up on the mountain. We got a months medicine and have some Synthroid for me that is not the right milligrams from times they changed my meds mid-month so I won't die in 6 weeks if I don't have it. We have cold meds, water, solar generator and that's about all we need.

I will blog again tomorrow with updates. Not time to kiss your ass goodbye yet. Will let you know.

It's The Simple Life by Teena D

The cost of truth

I choose to see. I love and breath attempting to discern truth. Whether that truth be good for me or bad, I will always rather speak it and hear it, no matter the consequence or personal loss. My family will attest to this. Raising my children to learn that truth is more important than ANY other thing in life is one of my most proud achievements. So those of you who have found me morose over the last couple of weeks and have asked what is wrong it is this: the inability for our citizens to see the truth or even care about it much less act on it has broken me. I feel that last night's embellishments, I am trying to be kind, in the SOTU tipped all of us who seek truth, who chose to see, over the edge. A woman who happens to be speaker of the house and has held her composure through so many non-truths over the last few years, let us see her true feelings last night in one simple gesture.

Well, I  found compassion in that gesture. Compassion for those of us who have suffered through the lies. Those of us who have had to bite our tongues at work and church. Those of us who did research and spent hours finding ways to prove the truth, only to have "beliefs" or excuses thrown back at us as an excuse for being too lazy to seek their own truth or content to be ignorant ( or "Cornuto content") find great comfort in Speaker Palosi's emotional gesture. It hurt no one. It spoke volumes in a very quiet way.

So to you, madam Speaker, I give great thanks and want you to know it gave those of us in the trenches a renewed hope to continue to choose to see.

Let the truth set you free

It's you babe, cuz I'm a sucker

My husband has had 16 surgeries. Rhematoid Arthritis sucks. So does not responding to anesthesia or opioid based pain meds when you have had 16 surgeries. Needless to say I am the world's best "waiter".

I have refilled coffee pots, listened to scared spouses, directed fellow waiters to the best cafeteria nobody knows about, I even have taken over the volunteer desk during a 6 hour mega wait.

The 6 hour mega wait surgery was the worst. I chatted up the desk lady like I always do so she paid attention to Pete a little bit more than the other patients and to me a little bit
 more than the other waiters. Under her watchful care we all get information and that is an important link  because if something is gonna go wrong,  it will for us. Despite Murphy's law being our motto we were pretty chill for this surgery. Rods were placed in his mid-spine to keep it from touching his spinal cord which would paralyze him. Seems like an intense experience for most people but for us it was pretty routine. We had just gone through a 9 hour c-spine surgery where the genius Doogie Houser surgeon removed vertibrae, replacing them with bones from a selfless organ donor, and stabilizing the whole thing with titanium rods effectively saving Pete's life because breathing is very important. So this surgery, while serious, did not take on the same monumental fear that the c-spine surgery evoked. Proving, without a doubt, that everything is relative.

After the obligatory meet and greet with the surgeon back in the pre-op room, I waited with Pete. Anesthesia came in and this is where I dropped the ball. My routine is to disregard everything Pete tells me NOT to tell the anesthesiologist and go into a long novella about how he doesn't respond to pain meds; how he has woken up and remembered everything during surgery; how my daughter and one cousin have the same problem; and lastly, but most importantly, the actual doctor, not the assistant, needs to stay with him the whole time. You may not know this but your anesthesia team is MORE important than the surgeon. You are effectively dead unless they breath for you and keep the wall between this life and the next just thin enough for you to not feel the surgery but not so thin you cross over. But in big hospitals one anesthesia doctor supervises many surgeries while his underlings sit with the patient. In other words, the picture you have on TV of the masked blue crowd surrounding a person on a flat, very narrow bed, consists of a surgeon, several physician's assistants, a very skilled nursing team and an anesthesiologist's ASSISTANT. Which is fine for most people but not for Pete.

After a while it's our turn and the hustle bustle begins after sitting for more than an hour doing nothing because we got there when they told us to and we are not slackers who show up late to our own surgery. This is why we all have to be at surgeries so early by the way, just in case we are that slacker. The whole world turns into an urgency quickly. Unlike the army where you hurry up and wait, in surgery you wait then hurry up.  Five different people are asking you questions like what your name is, your birthday, what are you having done and who is doing it. Then as they unlock the wheels and start to wheel him away they say, while moving, "Any questions?"

Which is when I usually stop the whole parade and start asking questions. But this time Pete gave me the stink eye. So, I told him I loved him and meekly waved as they rolled the love of my life away, thinking, "Why the hell didn't I say something."

I return to my spot in the waiting room with his number. I walk to the screen that tells all the waiters what is going on with their loved ones. It says, "in theatre" or "OR" or "holding", or "recovery wait" or "recovery". It reminds me of looking at the boards at airports that tells you your flight is on time or delayed. You look for your patient's number and scan over to see what is happening to them. These lines of info are color coded so you can kind of keep track easier but with us the waiting is so long, I just sit and watch people come and go. Most waiters leave to go eat or go to the gift shop. I rarely do and if I have to I come right back because I want my energy as close to him as possible. I want the lady I chatted up to see me, so if something happens she doesn't have to walk around the room saying, "Family of Peter? Family of Peter D?"

So there I wait. Watching people come and go. The Jones family was so happy their grandfather did well. The Andersons cried and everyone looked scared. The lady and I exchange knowing glances. It happens. But it's always sad.

I check the screen. Recovery. Oh good. It won't be long now. The doctor comes out and tells me all went well. I am relieved, the lady smiles. I allow myself to get a coffee.

As I am waiting for her to tell me, "Mrs. D, you can go back now." I see the Smith family come and go. The Sanchez family needs an interpreter and after one is found is relieved. Their mom is doing well. High school Spanish works for me in  the understanding department but I can't speak three words. I check the screen, still recovery. The lady needs to leave for a minute. I ask if she wants me to man the desk. She is grateful. Her name is Lisa. When she comes back I tell her nothing happened and ask, " It's been abnormally long. Can..." Before I get the question out she is going to check on Pete. It takes a long time for her to return and she tells me he is having trouble waking but I can go wait in his room.

I go to his room. The nurses are too nice to me. Too attentive. "Do you want a cup of coffee? What can we get you?"

My husband, I think. But I tell them, "Nothing, I'm good."

I wait. No TV. No conversations to hear. Nothing. I wait. I think about life without Pete. We have been together since we we were 20. It is a picture I cannot even start to create in my mind. After an hour, a stretcher with him on it, not awake, bursts through the door. His nurse, a guy with a heavy Australian accent, brings me into the hall.

 "What the hell happened?"

I hear a canned speech with an Australian accent about how well he did, blah blah blah. I wait, I give him the pissed off mom face and say " This ain't our first rodeo. Recovery doesn't take 3 hours."

So it turns out the assistant to the Anesthesiologist kept giving him morphine because, "He's a big guy" and they had a hard time waking him up. In my head I am so pissed at myself for not doing my novella that I cannot even speak. He mistakenly interprets this as anger at him and looks at his feet. I say nothing.

I just need to be with Pete. So I go back into the room. Pete opens his  eyes when I say I love him and says, "What's a crash cart?" And falls back asleep.

Later I hear the whole story from a nurse who isn't supposed to tell me and I search out the Australian nurse who saved my husband's life. I just say, "Thank you." with tears in my eyes and hug him much longer than one would hug a stranger. But this was a stranger who saved a life. My life, because he, Peter, is my life.

We had been having a rocky time just before this and I wondered if I allowed myself to step back from advocacy because of anger. But I don't think so.

I have always had this internal test about my relationships; friends, family,  jobs.  I ask, "Would my life be better with him/her/it or without him/her/it?"

I had never asked that question about Pete until that day and only because of my inaction did I ask myself.

It was a stupid study in self deprication to even ask, a way to sooth my own feelings of guilt for abandoning my soulmate because of ego. In my soul I know the answer to THAT  question.  When it comes to a person who is the other half of you the answer is always "with him."

So, "it's you babe and if I tried to run then it would be useless" as the song goes.

And today, even though it's a simple surgery in our world, and even though he interrupted me when I started my novella for the anesthesia team, and even though they started wheeling him out, I stood in their way and made sure they knew who YOU were. That you are Peter, my husband of almost 40 years and that you almost died once because I didn't speak up, and that now I will always speak up.

They all waited and listened and the anesthesia Doctor squeezed my hand.

And so I wait with a calm heart knowing  the geniuses know him and will lovingly fix him as best they can.

Cuz it's you, babe.

A soul

There are things in life where you have to take a stand or you lose a piece of your soul. You may suffer personally doing what is right but in the end your soul will be in tact and in the end, at the end of your life, YOU are there only person in your grave.
Think about what your line in the sand is and stand your ground. This is not to say that you need to be stuck in quick sand but that you will think long and hard about traveling away from that line and if you do decide to move know that it was for a specific circumstance and your line still stands.

Death taught me to learn not to care, so I can care so much more

My mom died in 2000 I was a mess and so I started meditating. It opened so many doors and allowed me to free myself from the soulsucking of guilt. Now I am responsible for my actions but they do not stick to me, to my soul.

I don't care anymore... which is NOT to say I am not caring, quite the opposite, but that other's opinions of me do not influence what I KNOW to be the right thing to do or feel.

I don't care what you think of me. Not apathy, but tolerance for your opinion without your opinion becoming a part of me.

I stopped caring about yesterday or tomorrow and I try to face today moment by moment as best I can. It has given me a freedom that has brought me so much I can't put it into words.

Ugly doesn't bother me any more. Ugly is just a word. Ugly things that people don't want to face are right up my alley now.

Pain doesn't bother me. It is temporary and not a part of my soul. When others are in pain I don't care. Because I don't care I am better able to care for that person in a meaningful and loving way.

I am no longer in love. I love or I live you. This is far more powerful than being "in love" with you. I am not overcome with emotion. I do not put my needs before yours causing me to repress feelings or hold a grudge. Instead I LIVE you. I try to be in the moment with you and share your breath, existing with you so you have the strength to be alone.

I am alone! And that is just fine. I am powerful. I don't need anyone to hold me or love me to be myself. I am blessed to be loved and needed and that I have people to hold me but I don't NEED it.

I don't need anyone or anything. Which has made me feel how lucky I am to have love and people. I am so very blessed.

My mother's death was the best thing that ever happened to me. It made me look at me. She's is with me always. So I don't miss her.

I am sane now because I take life as it is, or try to, in each moment. There is peace in the sanity you get because you don't care. It makes you able to care so much more.

We need to find a path

A path to civility. Think about your participation in this. What are your lines in the sand?Mine have dissolved my family. My lines in the sand turned my family into recluse women I don't speak to. And nephews and nieces who lived  with me and loved with me and mine during hard times into Facebook friends with THEIR Spouses.  Too much of life is lived in the past. Love and live in the future or present and none of this will happen

My life is a fake. A smile, a happiness that everyone expects. I try so hard to communicate my real self to those I love but they can't handle it. I am their rock, the core
of the family. Solid. It's beyond their comprehension that I can't handle life at all. And I don't know why I was born or am still here. I scare them. They say this when I am real. So I eat the sandwich that will fix it all and put on my smiley face so as not to scare any one and pretend once again.  And think...Just don't take the S for 6 weeks.
Yup fixed.

Embrace Change ...It is time our nation's symbols had a makeover

Embrace Change

It is time our nation’s symbols had a makeover

By

Teena Vaughn D’Annibale

“I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States for America, and to her people for which she stands, one nation of diverse origins, wish liberty and justice for all.” by Teena Vaughn D’Annibale

The Home of the Brave (sung to the tune of the Star Spangled Banner)

By Teena Vaughn D’Annibale

O say can you see by the dawn’s early light

What so proudly we hail

As a nation of freedoms.

Whose broad stripes and bright stars

Through the perilous fights

For the freedoms of all

still stands gallantly dreaming.

For our people to hear

The loud shouts full of fear,

And answer those shouts

With a hand and a tear.

O say does that star spangled banner still wave,

For a land of the free,

And a home of the brave.

I want our National Anthem to reflect our rich history of fighting for the rights of our citizens. We are a people who do not look away. We choose to see. Choose to see and help our fellow man. America is so unique and blessed to be fluid. We were set up to be so by the founding fathers, They made our core principles as a country to be open to new ideas and our main focus and goal to be to endeavour to educate our people so they can make intelligent decisions and join in the process of making our nation a better place, not just for its current citizens, but for all people who are willing to come join in our fight for equality.

My new words to the anthem reflect how proud I am for the fights and thankful for the lives lost in the endeavour to free, not only our citizens from various tyrannies and prejudices that have ruled our own country, but to put our lives on the line to help others around the world who face poverty, and imprisonment of mind, body and soul throughout the years.

Regardless of your politics there is one thing we can all agree on. Our country is based on freedoms for all people; freedom from injustice and poverty and tyrannical governments; even if they are our own, freedom from boundaries placed on us based on race, creed, sex or country of origin.

The words to our current National Anthem do not reflect who we are. The poem is based on a hatred for another country and its politics and on the worship and idealization of war. America, in general,  has learned that diplomacy and reason far outweigh violence as a means to an end. War should be our last resort and most certainly not the basis for our National Anthem, a song that is supposed to tell other nations and remind us who we are and what we stand for every time it is sung. Most Americans don’t even know the words because the words are archaic and meaningless in today’s society. What must other nations think when they hear our representation of our country? Well, I want them to hear that we are a nation of change, a nation willing to fight for the rights of all and that we are proud of America, despite all of our shortcomings, because we can always come together and find a place at the table for everyone when we have differences within our borders. I want our anthem to remind future generations that we chose to change it because WE changed, for the better and it is their solemn duty as an American to continue to change and fight for what is right and just for all.

As for our pledge, I feel it is the same argument. We, as Americans, need to be reminded what was created in this country. The pledge  and the flag are symbols and a way to remember the nation IS her people and we agree to be there for each other. “I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America”

“And to her people for which SHE stands”...America is nothing but land without US, her people.

“One nation of diverse origins”...just a description it would seem but also a reminder of who we are and from where we came so we can continue to be thus in the future, for it, diversity, makes us, Americans, unique in this world.

“ I wish liberty and justice for all” … a pledge to your country, your fellow citizens, that you are willing, because you are an American, to fight for them, to stick up for them on a daily basis, to have liberty and justice no matter who they are, what they look like, who they worship, what sex they are, what sex they were born with, you are wishing them liberty or freedom and justice or a fair, even playing field in all they endeavor.

Isn’t that what America is all about?

“I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to her people for which she stands, one nation of diverse origins, wish liberty and justice for all.”

The new four letter word

My hope for the new year is that no one uses the word "wall" ever again. That word has become a political time bomb and no longer represents security for Americans.
Both sides if the isle are fine with border security and are willing to put up billions of dollars (even though border security money given last year wasn't even spent and yet they want more) to help hire more border agents, reinforce barriers in places like Loredo, TX where this is necessary,  upgrading  well-working laws and forces at ports and north-south corridors like Interstate 81 where drug and human trafficking is almost out of control and helping law enforcement get to the root of the problem in areas of the country where drugs are homemade by US citizens or sold by US citizens brought in from other countries through our borders .
The WALL brings an image of concrete or slats streaking across our southern border, but that is not what border security is. THAT image is what is causing all of the division and those who continually bring the wall up are only trying to divide our country.
Focusing on the southern border only focuses on one group of people much like the Muslim ban that caused such an uproar and was found unconstitutional. THAT is what the wall represents to many.
So I don't want to hear the word WALL in 2019. Immigration or drug trafficking or human trafficking and those seeking political asylum works for me. Working on people not over-staying their visa works for me But call things what they are.

There will never be a WALL!
EVER! So stop politicizing a very important issue to every American and find a solution.

https://www.nvdaily.com/news/crime/fbi-forms-human-trafficking-task-force-along-i/article_657d7859-0b88-5cdb-9324-61803070bd57.html

Funerals are for the living

I have always said that funerals are for the living. So, I don't go unless I need to go for closure or I know the people the soul left behind need others around them for support. 
Some people share birthdays or deathdays on Facebook and remember the person who died. That is not for me. I feel all of my souls who have passed around me all the time. 
My feelings about death are different because I faced cancer at a young age and saw souls hovering around me while one of my feet was on the other side and one was on a very slippery banana peel. I KNOW what to expect because I have seen it.
I am not talking about the white light experience I am talking about paying attention to death as much as I pay attention to life. When my mother died I held her hand and as she let out her last bit of air a peace came over the room that one can only attribute to the freedom that death brings.
I have had souls visit me in dreams and felt them on me, almost taking my breath away, in their desperate need to tell their loved one a last thing that they wished they had said when they were here. I cannot conjure up these things they just happen. But I went to a psychic with a friend once and he described it as a wall of souls was about to crush him.
I never felt like that but one soul once in a while is enough for me to know that funerals are for the living, the dead are with us always.

Not Alone...my Shaman

A poem
       Not Alone, my Shaman
                          By
     Teena Vaughn D'Annibale

You hold his pain,
You hold their fear,
Cleanse.

You know you're strong,
You know no fear,
Cleanse.

The peace you seek is not your own,
The peace you seek is how we're born.
You have the power that you seek.
Within.
Cleanse.

See your heart and power.
Strong.
See your soul and vision.
True.
Seek what makes your power grow.
Seek what makes your vision clear.

The pain comes when you cannot bare, to let them see what you most fear.
To let them feel what hurt you so.
To let them cry so they can grow.

Rock the baby in the tree but when she falls you cannot see,
the destination worth the trip,
is one you must not interrupt.

Please let them fly.
Please let them fall.
For mended bones are twice as strong.
Your hands outstretched should never catch,
until the words from their own lips request,
your power must restrain to test,
how much the mended branch will strain.

You must let go to feel no pain and free your spirit for more gain.
To help the ones who truly need,
your soul must be truly freed.

You've known the fear.
You've known the pain.
It's why you seek to cleanse and gain,
the insight that you need to heal,
the days, the pain
the real.

Most look around and see the hurt and turn and say, "Just desserts."
No blame in you as you peek,
to see their soul is rot

with holes

life's acid has burned without remorse.
No going back, it cannot heal.
No going back they cannot feel.

Most think there is no hope to find.
You look for sand, you look for silk, for anything to block the hole,
to fill that void,
to ease the pain,
to cleanse the wounds that no one sees.
To cleanse the soul no one needs.
You search and see,
you fill and stitch,
you hold them close to give reprieve to pain so hidden no one sees.

And when you're done and they are healed the light of love is revealed.
Your only payment,
holding pain,
that was yours before,
but never again.

Not all can know this hurt,
a chosen few,
the chosen who
paid a price, with a life or lack thereof,
a forever sacrifice of love,
or hate,
or pride,
it matters not the reason for their fate
for with It they have willingly paid,
for us who are too afraid.

A society of broken souls,
they move through lives unnoticed, taught to hide their selves, "Be ONE."
For she is she and he is he but when together not "one" they are taught to be.

But when alone with no one else,
an army,
broken with no gun, but fear
of self...
lost,
forever ONE?

"NO!," you scream.
Your comrades hear.
"You are one AND ONE."
"Don't fear!"
"Our deeds and souls forever stained, can be healed, there's much to gain."

But you, my shaman, you must know
To soldier on you must grow.
"BE HEALED CHILD," I want to scream.

Or whisper

So your soul feels cleaned.

But I must heed my own advice and let your self heal many times, 
as broken bones can be more strong, so souls do as they limp along,
from pain inflicted for no gain, from pain not seen, not felt, in shame.
From pain I will never know, or feel or touch or cradle so,
as you have done for so very long.
To nurture as a mom, a futile feat, for this pain I shall never meet.

But you must Cleanse from other's guilt
To heal the many who have felt,
like you, my love, my life, my child,
my shaman, my world, or in a while
your soul will shrivel and die;
useless, lifeless, loveless;
forever only ONE
not
one.

So hold his pain.
So hold their fear.
But lifeless bodies roam no more,
YOUR passion here, where pain and fear are very real and some with breath are meant to heal, like you, my love, who suffered so others
can feel and heal,
and grow.

Be strong, shaman, your strength within
must be nurtured time and again.
Be strong, my soldier, who is now one,
and knows that ONE is never done but can be healed and strong again and hold the pain that never leaves to feel just like a gentle breeze.

There is love within us all
to sit beside the pain,
to catch us when we fall. But...
when it is too much to bare,
let the words escape your lips,
"I fear that I will fall and there will be nothing, no one to break my fall."

Your shaman will be there, my friend,
To hold your pain
To hold your fear
And
Cleanse.

The Perfect Mother, a poem. Happy Mother's Day

                                                            The Perfect Mother
                                                                       By
                                                          Teena Vaughn D'Annibale

Feelings of alienation, abandon and success sit on her soul. 

The solace are the young, still innocent, unaffected by ego. But that will not last long, and she will be alone again. 

 Blamed for every problem, rewarded for no success, or sacrifice.

No matter the choice or outcome she is perceived to have motives, and evil intent; trust issues and jealousy smother her twilight years. 

Respect is gone, replaced with disdain or "grinning and bearing" on their part. 

Preferences suggested, when none are present; equality has been her north star as a mother, working diligently on breaking the perception chains of the past, to no avail or success. 

Yet she is content and happy with her products, advertising them far and wide at every location and feels a great success.

A lifetime of work and dedication: stripped to make better with one, hope with another, replaced by women as it should be with two more. 

But none with the wisdom to see: the sacrifice, the dedication to learn how to do it right, the burning love that makes her soul ache with loneliness for her present and future.

Her only thought ever - them. 

With no regard for her life or personal goals she prioritized her hours, days and years for them without a thought, for they are her very breath and when glimpses were presented over time, over her life, for personal gain these successes, made of idols and dreams, were always eclipsed by the welfare of those she bore. 

These mock successes, were stained with hospital beds and battlegrounds, young heirs and brave pursuits beyond abilities and so discarded. 

However, the ultimate goal is reached. 

She, the success, sits alone in mind only, for she is smothered with bodies and souls who share her DNA, but few or none will hold her soul with care, refusing to show no regard for their own. 

Few reflections of her are willing to gently massage her ego, fears or feelings as gently as she held and massaged their's . 

The most success breeds the ones who need no one, 

not even her. 

And she smiles and cries at her brilliance at being a wonderful mother.

She looks in the mirror, alone, and smiles, knowing she succeeded in the quest so many years ago she set. 

Seeing no one behind her she faces, with pride, the product of the perfect mother.

Student loans and the cost of the "fun" college experience

Lately I hear so many 30 year olds complaining about their college debt. It's not fair, they say.  I shouldn't have to pay this much, they say. How am I supposed to survive?

All true and fair questions and we DO, as a nation, need to fix how we pay back those loans,  so they DO get paid back and not defaulted on. HOWEVER...

I think the anger and frustration is misplaced.  The cost of college is the real problem coupled with the idea that college is supposed to be fun. 
The reality is... in America we don't take college seriously.

Think of how little loan you would have if you worked all the time you weren't in a class or studying.
How much would you save if you walked or biked where you needed to go?

What if you didn't go to bars or eat out, lived home, stayed at the dorms on the weekend instead of driving home and worked a job?
Would you have the debt you have now if your behavior in college was different?

WHAT IF YOU DIDN'T GO TO FOOTBALL GAMES FOR 50 BUCKS (D1) A TICKET?

We need to change our behavior as students.

Parents need to change their behavior as enablers. Your children are ADULTS when they go to college.  Make sure you treat them that way. Make sure you let them fall and guide them on how to get up on their own. And make SURE, in their junior year of high school, you teach them about how much it costs to live and how to pay for it.

We need to change our mentality as consumers of college education as well.  Demand good service, go to community college where it is cheap and transfer to an online four year, this will cause the state system and private schools like Penn State to lower tuition costs.
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So I don't get mugged at work or the grocery store I need to clarify MY position on the biggest school in MY state.  MY blood is NOT blue...AND Penn State is state affiliated and NOT a state college so they get your tax dollars with little or no oversight from the state. Nor  does anyone hold them accountable for their actions and I do NOT agree with my tax dollars being spent that way. This has nothing to do with football.  I have always felt this way.  Ok, moving on...
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Lastly, lobby for more realistic tuition costs.  Complain when faculty union members refuse to bargain about their salary demands with the state.  When college presidents make half a million dollars,  live for free on campus,  build unneccesary dorms or sports facilities, practically bankrupting the school and then move on when the financial shit hits the fan have your board of directors hold them accountable! !  And YOU teach your children to hold the board members accountable.  They pay their salary.

Do colleges even teach their students how a college works? That should be a mandatory freshman class to empower the students.

Complain when the state ends up closing colleges in remote areas causing those kids to move or travel far distances to get an education.

People we are in crisis!
And some of it is our own fault.
Life is not a party, it's hard work that you have to pay for.
Those of you paying student loans need to change the system for your children and the future of our country.  Change the culture.  Start with YOUR child and YOURSELF!

And all of us need to be LOUD about it. It's our future.

Training dogs is a breeze...right Zuzu?

So, one might think training your dog is a grueling task but worth the time and energy. I think that daily, as I continue to tell our one year old Labradoodle, Zuzu, whose spirit animal is definitately the Dodo bird, to "sit," with every expectation that she will sit. But she never does. Her response to "sit" is to  run out the door, or lay with her belly up or jump with muddy feet on my work pants or bite her dog brother who is 12 and looks at me with the "what were you thinking" face. I definatly think to myself, this will all be worth it, she's young, put the time in now and it will pay off later. Then she leaps from the ground into the covered above ground pool in February, almost drowning, and forces me to lean into the dead leaf, gunky world of the top of a winterized pool cover to drag her sorry, dumb ass out of a watery grave and I think, "This is not worth it."

This is the same thing I used to think at work, "this will never work." But then it did.

I work with teenagers with severe autism and mental retardation and we use Verbal Behavior/Applied Behavioral Analysis. This is a program that has a fancy title and is an intense system based on years of research that is all about what every parent does all the time with their children...you tell your children that their world will get significantly better if they do what you want them to do and significantly worse if they do not.

The problem with autistic children is, a LOT of the time, they don't give a rat's ass what YOU think or how YOU feel. So, "that makes mommy sad." means nothing. "I love you" may mean nothing. "I am so proud of you" means nothing. What DOES mean something is...candy, or their favorite toy, or being left alone (many typical children and adults love this, by the way, including me), or pressure on their forehead. Those things are valuable to them. The trick is finding out what is of value to a person who has difficulty with social interaction and feelings. 

One doesn't realize how much we use "guilt and emotions" to get what we want in life until guilt and emotions no longer gets you what you want. We do things cuz we love someone or don't want them to feel sad. We want their approval and we want people to like us. So we behave in a way that will make that a more likely event. We smile, buy gifts, give high fives, draw pictures, give stickers.

We do all of this to make our world significantly better. But if I want a student to sit in their chair and they do not want to impress me or care what I think about them they are NOT going to sit in the chair.

The frustration is similar to me and my new puppy. I, apparently don't speak her language...YET. I will definately speak her language before I die or she kills me, because I refuse to give up trying.

It's the same with my students at school. I don't speak their language yet. I don't know what they want, what they are trying so desparately to tell me. I need to be patient and learn. Let them teach me. And when i have broken that barrier, broken their silence, their very loud silence, I will teach them. Because these kids are so smart and so funny and have so much potential locked inside of them. I CAN NOT WAIT to get it all out!!!

My dog on the other hand may be a hopeless case...time will tell.

"Zuzu, stop eating rocks ...Good Lord, help me!!!"

But it ain't lookin' good.