My life is a fake. A smile, a happiness that everyone expects. I try so hard to communicate my real self to those I love but they can't handle it. I am their rock, the core
of the family. Solid. It's beyond their comprehension that I can't handle life at all. And I don't know why I was born or am still here. I scare them. They say this when I am real. So I eat the sandwich that will fix it all and put on my smiley face so as not to scare any one and pretend once again.  And think...Just don't take the S for 6 weeks.
Yup fixed.

Embrace Change ...It is time our nation's symbols had a makeover

Embrace Change

It is time our nation’s symbols had a makeover

By

Teena Vaughn D’Annibale

“I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States for America, and to her people for which she stands, one nation of diverse origins, wish liberty and justice for all.” by Teena Vaughn D’Annibale

The Home of the Brave (sung to the tune of the Star Spangled Banner)

By Teena Vaughn D’Annibale

O say can you see by the dawn’s early light

What so proudly we hail

As a nation of freedoms.

Whose broad stripes and bright stars

Through the perilous fights

For the freedoms of all

still stands gallantly dreaming.

For our people to hear

The loud shouts full of fear,

And answer those shouts

With a hand and a tear.

O say does that star spangled banner still wave,

For a land of the free,

And a home of the brave.

I want our National Anthem to reflect our rich history of fighting for the rights of our citizens. We are a people who do not look away. We choose to see. Choose to see and help our fellow man. America is so unique and blessed to be fluid. We were set up to be so by the founding fathers, They made our core principles as a country to be open to new ideas and our main focus and goal to be to endeavour to educate our people so they can make intelligent decisions and join in the process of making our nation a better place, not just for its current citizens, but for all people who are willing to come join in our fight for equality.

My new words to the anthem reflect how proud I am for the fights and thankful for the lives lost in the endeavour to free, not only our citizens from various tyrannies and prejudices that have ruled our own country, but to put our lives on the line to help others around the world who face poverty, and imprisonment of mind, body and soul throughout the years.

Regardless of your politics there is one thing we can all agree on. Our country is based on freedoms for all people; freedom from injustice and poverty and tyrannical governments; even if they are our own, freedom from boundaries placed on us based on race, creed, sex or country of origin.

The words to our current National Anthem do not reflect who we are. The poem is based on a hatred for another country and its politics and on the worship and idealization of war. America, in general,  has learned that diplomacy and reason far outweigh violence as a means to an end. War should be our last resort and most certainly not the basis for our National Anthem, a song that is supposed to tell other nations and remind us who we are and what we stand for every time it is sung. Most Americans don’t even know the words because the words are archaic and meaningless in today’s society. What must other nations think when they hear our representation of our country? Well, I want them to hear that we are a nation of change, a nation willing to fight for the rights of all and that we are proud of America, despite all of our shortcomings, because we can always come together and find a place at the table for everyone when we have differences within our borders. I want our anthem to remind future generations that we chose to change it because WE changed, for the better and it is their solemn duty as an American to continue to change and fight for what is right and just for all.

As for our pledge, I feel it is the same argument. We, as Americans, need to be reminded what was created in this country. The pledge  and the flag are symbols and a way to remember the nation IS her people and we agree to be there for each other. “I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America”

“And to her people for which SHE stands”...America is nothing but land without US, her people.

“One nation of diverse origins”...just a description it would seem but also a reminder of who we are and from where we came so we can continue to be thus in the future, for it, diversity, makes us, Americans, unique in this world.

“ I wish liberty and justice for all” … a pledge to your country, your fellow citizens, that you are willing, because you are an American, to fight for them, to stick up for them on a daily basis, to have liberty and justice no matter who they are, what they look like, who they worship, what sex they are, what sex they were born with, you are wishing them liberty or freedom and justice or a fair, even playing field in all they endeavor.

Isn’t that what America is all about?

“I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to her people for which she stands, one nation of diverse origins, wish liberty and justice for all.”

The new four letter word

My hope for the new year is that no one uses the word "wall" ever again. That word has become a political time bomb and no longer represents security for Americans.
Both sides if the isle are fine with border security and are willing to put up billions of dollars (even though border security money given last year wasn't even spent and yet they want more) to help hire more border agents, reinforce barriers in places like Loredo, TX where this is necessary,  upgrading  well-working laws and forces at ports and north-south corridors like Interstate 81 where drug and human trafficking is almost out of control and helping law enforcement get to the root of the problem in areas of the country where drugs are homemade by US citizens or sold by US citizens brought in from other countries through our borders .
The WALL brings an image of concrete or slats streaking across our southern border, but that is not what border security is. THAT image is what is causing all of the division and those who continually bring the wall up are only trying to divide our country.
Focusing on the southern border only focuses on one group of people much like the Muslim ban that caused such an uproar and was found unconstitutional. THAT is what the wall represents to many.
So I don't want to hear the word WALL in 2019. Immigration or drug trafficking or human trafficking and those seeking political asylum works for me. Working on people not over-staying their visa works for me But call things what they are.

There will never be a WALL!
EVER! So stop politicizing a very important issue to every American and find a solution.

https://www.nvdaily.com/news/crime/fbi-forms-human-trafficking-task-force-along-i/article_657d7859-0b88-5cdb-9324-61803070bd57.html

Funerals are for the living

I have always said that funerals are for the living. So, I don't go unless I need to go for closure or I know the people the soul left behind need others around them for support. 
Some people share birthdays or deathdays on Facebook and remember the person who died. That is not for me. I feel all of my souls who have passed around me all the time. 
My feelings about death are different because I faced cancer at a young age and saw souls hovering around me while one of my feet was on the other side and one was on a very slippery banana peel. I KNOW what to expect because I have seen it.
I am not talking about the white light experience I am talking about paying attention to death as much as I pay attention to life. When my mother died I held her hand and as she let out her last bit of air a peace came over the room that one can only attribute to the freedom that death brings.
I have had souls visit me in dreams and felt them on me, almost taking my breath away, in their desperate need to tell their loved one a last thing that they wished they had said when they were here. I cannot conjure up these things they just happen. But I went to a psychic with a friend once and he described it as a wall of souls was about to crush him.
I never felt like that but one soul once in a while is enough for me to know that funerals are for the living, the dead are with us always.

Not Alone...my Shaman

A poem
       Not Alone, my Shaman
                          By
     Teena Vaughn D'Annibale

You hold his pain,
You hold their fear,
Cleanse.

You know you're strong,
You know no fear,
Cleanse.

The peace you seek is not your own,
The peace you seek is how we're born.
You have the power that you seek.
Within.
Cleanse.

See your heart and power.
Strong.
See your soul and vision.
True.
Seek what makes your power grow.
Seek what makes your vision clear.

The pain comes when you cannot bare, to let them see what you most fear.
To let them feel what hurt you so.
To let them cry so they can grow.

Rock the baby in the tree but when she falls you cannot see,
the destination worth the trip,
is one you must not interrupt.

Please let them fly.
Please let them fall.
For mended bones are twice as strong.
Your hands outstretched should never catch,
until the words from their own lips request,
your power must restrain to test,
how much the mended branch will strain.

You must let go to feel no pain and free your spirit for more gain.
To help the ones who truly need,
your soul must be truly freed.

You've known the fear.
You've known the pain.
It's why you seek to cleanse and gain,
the insight that you need to heal,
the days, the pain
the real.

Most look around and see the hurt and turn and say, "Just desserts."
No blame in you as you peek,
to see their soul is rot

with holes

life's acid has burned without remorse.
No going back, it cannot heal.
No going back they cannot feel.

Most think there is no hope to find.
You look for sand, you look for silk, for anything to block the hole,
to fill that void,
to ease the pain,
to cleanse the wounds that no one sees.
To cleanse the soul no one needs.
You search and see,
you fill and stitch,
you hold them close to give reprieve to pain so hidden no one sees.

And when you're done and they are healed the light of love is revealed.
Your only payment,
holding pain,
that was yours before,
but never again.

Not all can know this hurt,
a chosen few,
the chosen who
paid a price, with a life or lack thereof,
a forever sacrifice of love,
or hate,
or pride,
it matters not the reason for their fate
for with It they have willingly paid,
for us who are too afraid.

A society of broken souls,
they move through lives unnoticed, taught to hide their selves, "Be ONE."
For she is she and he is he but when together not "one" they are taught to be.

But when alone with no one else,
an army,
broken with no gun, but fear
of self...
lost,
forever ONE?

"NO!," you scream.
Your comrades hear.
"You are one AND ONE."
"Don't fear!"
"Our deeds and souls forever stained, can be healed, there's much to gain."

But you, my shaman, you must know
To soldier on you must grow.
"BE HEALED CHILD," I want to scream.

Or whisper

So your soul feels cleaned.

But I must heed my own advice and let your self heal many times, 
as broken bones can be more strong, so souls do as they limp along,
from pain inflicted for no gain, from pain not seen, not felt, in shame.
From pain I will never know, or feel or touch or cradle so,
as you have done for so very long.
To nurture as a mom, a futile feat, for this pain I shall never meet.

But you must Cleanse from other's guilt
To heal the many who have felt,
like you, my love, my life, my child,
my shaman, my world, or in a while
your soul will shrivel and die;
useless, lifeless, loveless;
forever only ONE
not
one.

So hold his pain.
So hold their fear.
But lifeless bodies roam no more,
YOUR passion here, where pain and fear are very real and some with breath are meant to heal, like you, my love, who suffered so others
can feel and heal,
and grow.

Be strong, shaman, your strength within
must be nurtured time and again.
Be strong, my soldier, who is now one,
and knows that ONE is never done but can be healed and strong again and hold the pain that never leaves to feel just like a gentle breeze.

There is love within us all
to sit beside the pain,
to catch us when we fall. But...
when it is too much to bare,
let the words escape your lips,
"I fear that I will fall and there will be nothing, no one to break my fall."

Your shaman will be there, my friend,
To hold your pain
To hold your fear
And
Cleanse.

The Perfect Mother, a poem. Happy Mother's Day

                                                            The Perfect Mother
                                                                       By
                                                          Teena Vaughn D'Annibale

Feelings of alienation, abandon and success sit on her soul. 

The solace are the young, still innocent, unaffected by ego. But that will not last long, and she will be alone again. 

 Blamed for every problem, rewarded for no success, or sacrifice.

No matter the choice or outcome she is perceived to have motives, and evil intent; trust issues and jealousy smother her twilight years. 

Respect is gone, replaced with disdain or "grinning and bearing" on their part. 

Preferences suggested, when none are present; equality has been her north star as a mother, working diligently on breaking the perception chains of the past, to no avail or success. 

Yet she is content and happy with her products, advertising them far and wide at every location and feels a great success.

A lifetime of work and dedication: stripped to make better with one, hope with another, replaced by women as it should be with two more. 

But none with the wisdom to see: the sacrifice, the dedication to learn how to do it right, the burning love that makes her soul ache with loneliness for her present and future.

Her only thought ever - them. 

With no regard for her life or personal goals she prioritized her hours, days and years for them without a thought, for they are her very breath and when glimpses were presented over time, over her life, for personal gain these successes, made of idols and dreams, were always eclipsed by the welfare of those she bore. 

These mock successes, were stained with hospital beds and battlegrounds, young heirs and brave pursuits beyond abilities and so discarded. 

However, the ultimate goal is reached. 

She, the success, sits alone in mind only, for she is smothered with bodies and souls who share her DNA, but few or none will hold her soul with care, refusing to show no regard for their own. 

Few reflections of her are willing to gently massage her ego, fears or feelings as gently as she held and massaged their's . 

The most success breeds the ones who need no one, 

not even her. 

And she smiles and cries at her brilliance at being a wonderful mother.

She looks in the mirror, alone, and smiles, knowing she succeeded in the quest so many years ago she set. 

Seeing no one behind her she faces, with pride, the product of the perfect mother.

Student loans and the cost of the "fun" college experience

Lately I hear so many 30 year olds complaining about their college debt. It's not fair, they say.  I shouldn't have to pay this much, they say. How am I supposed to survive?

All true and fair questions and we DO, as a nation, need to fix how we pay back those loans,  so they DO get paid back and not defaulted on. HOWEVER...

I think the anger and frustration is misplaced.  The cost of college is the real problem coupled with the idea that college is supposed to be fun. 
The reality is... in America we don't take college seriously.

Think of how little loan you would have if you worked all the time you weren't in a class or studying.
How much would you save if you walked or biked where you needed to go?

What if you didn't go to bars or eat out, lived home, stayed at the dorms on the weekend instead of driving home and worked a job?
Would you have the debt you have now if your behavior in college was different?

WHAT IF YOU DIDN'T GO TO FOOTBALL GAMES FOR 50 BUCKS (D1) A TICKET?

We need to change our behavior as students.

Parents need to change their behavior as enablers. Your children are ADULTS when they go to college.  Make sure you treat them that way. Make sure you let them fall and guide them on how to get up on their own. And make SURE, in their junior year of high school, you teach them about how much it costs to live and how to pay for it.

We need to change our mentality as consumers of college education as well.  Demand good service, go to community college where it is cheap and transfer to an online four year, this will cause the state system and private schools like Penn State to lower tuition costs.
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So I don't get mugged at work or the grocery store I need to clarify MY position on the biggest school in MY state.  MY blood is NOT blue...AND Penn State is state affiliated and NOT a state college so they get your tax dollars with little or no oversight from the state. Nor  does anyone hold them accountable for their actions and I do NOT agree with my tax dollars being spent that way. This has nothing to do with football.  I have always felt this way.  Ok, moving on...
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Lastly, lobby for more realistic tuition costs.  Complain when faculty union members refuse to bargain about their salary demands with the state.  When college presidents make half a million dollars,  live for free on campus,  build unneccesary dorms or sports facilities, practically bankrupting the school and then move on when the financial shit hits the fan have your board of directors hold them accountable! !  And YOU teach your children to hold the board members accountable.  They pay their salary.

Do colleges even teach their students how a college works? That should be a mandatory freshman class to empower the students.

Complain when the state ends up closing colleges in remote areas causing those kids to move or travel far distances to get an education.

People we are in crisis!
And some of it is our own fault.
Life is not a party, it's hard work that you have to pay for.
Those of you paying student loans need to change the system for your children and the future of our country.  Change the culture.  Start with YOUR child and YOURSELF!

And all of us need to be LOUD about it. It's our future.