I find death so underwhelming and Robin Williams was right.

I find death so underwhelming it gets me in trouble some times. Let me preface this post with the fact that my father died when I was 27, mom - I was 40. My grandparents were dead most of my life because I was a change of life baby. My mother's mom died when she, my mother, was in her early 20s and since my mother was an only child and had to care for her during the depression her whole teen years, she spent most of my life warning me about death in good and bad ways. So, I have this good/futted up view on death.

So, I have said for a very long time that heaven is when you get to be done. This was partly due to my mom's version of it...like life is hell, there is no fire type hell, and when you die you are lucky to be rid of this place. My version since all my life I was obsessed with studying religions...is a little more Zen.

Yes, I admit it, even freshman year of college I took courses about religion with all the preacher wanna be's. I actually thought about being a nun once when I was a teen but for very practical reasons, someone would take care of you all your life, you really didn't have to work that hard and I could be sequestered and write all the time...of course, there was a problem because I wasn't Catholic and talked alot...but I digress...

I was obsessed with studying religions and when I came across Buddhism and reincarnation I was facinated. But coming back as a bug was a little much for me...enter Earth worshipping religions like Wikkan and Native American cultures...add in a little Christianity and life experience and you have, ta daaaaaaaaaah....

Teena's version of the cycle of life!!

Which I thought I made up because I never heard anyone else think like that...then i saw, "What Dreams May Come" and I sat the whole movie with my mouth hanging open because it was EXACTLY what I had made up! Even Peter said, "Hey Teena, isn't this what you made up."

I thought how did the writer of this show and Robin Williams know what I made up????

Light bulb moment, it really IS how the cycle of life is or how could OTHER PEOPLE KNOW IT???

I became obsessed with Zen and read Suzuki's book, "Zen Mind, Beginners Mind" non stop for ten years to try to understand it. I started practicing meditation daily and refocused my life to keeping myself centered so I could calmly understand others.

I believe in soul mates. Not, just one, I have many. People you meet and just "know" them. My husband is my soul mate. The night we met at a bar he gave me his father's 24 karat gold necklace with a medal on it that said, "remember mama" on the back. He wore it during WWII as a 19 year old kid, his dad, and gave it to Peter. The night he met, April 5th, we talked and talked, he save me from an asshole who was grabbing my ass and the next morning (get your mind out of the gutter, bars stay open until 5 am in NY) in the parking lot of the Electric Grinch bar in Schenectady, NY on April 6th, 1980, Easter Sunday,  my soul mate gave me that necklace.

I thought he was fucking crazy when I figured out it was real ! Men had made me a little jaded at them time. But soul mates are real.  Just like Robin William's character in that movie...you cannot give 50/50 you have to give 100/100 % to make it work. You're all in or your not. Soul mates are all in.

That is why death is so underwhelming. It's not YOU! It's just a body, just a shell, when it dies you either get to come back or stay in a beautiful place in your mind or you are done learning your lessons here on earth and you just get to let your soul be free.

I know in my heart that we are here to learn lessons. People are put in our lives to teach us, to guide us, to open our eyes. Children die for that reason, special needs kids are here for that reason. If we aren't paying attention when they are here, if we don't learn from them, we have to come back.

Those souls must go back to heaven and say, "Dumb shit, I tried to help them see the truth and NOTHIN'."

"Poor me my kid died, poor me my husband died, poor me my parent died, poor me...blah blah blah" All of those people and experiences were put in your life to teach you something...LUCKY YOU!!!

Lucky you, your child died and now you can help other parents and YOU appreciate life more.
Lucky you, your husband died and you actually got to meet and be together so you know true love.
LUCKY YOU for every damn experience in your life.

Because, death is so UNDERwhelming! Life is the hard part if you are paying attention.